Discover more from the 1-1-1 newsletter
1-1-1: the 9 things I need in a relationship
read about how to figure out if someone is 'right' for you and some reminders about love.
march, 2023
edition 11.
took a much needed break last week from both this newsletter and the podcast; I’m reminded to take rest before rest takes me! sadly did not follow my own advice and had to sleep 12+ hour days to feel human again but alas, I’m back.
this newsletter, more than most, is a very personal one. I rarely talk about romantic relationships because it’s an aspect of my life that I’m personally still figuring out. however, this edition is about just that.
let’s take a deep breath together and just dive right in.
you can expect one email from me every week containing:
one quote that has been inspiring me
one journal prompt
one piece of advice*
* = if you want to submit a question for my upcoming emails, you can find the form here.
announcements
a new pod episode is out, this one is 22 things I learned by 22 (maybe my favourite episode thus far) — listen to it on apple, spotify, and google <3
one quote
“Listen — if someone truly wants you around then they will do what it takes to keep you there.
You can’t force someone to care about you.
You can’t force someone to stay loyal to you.
You can’t force someone to love you.
Don’t stay because you think there isn’t more love out there.
Don’t stay because you think you can’t find better.
Don’t lie to yourself so they can seem like a better person.
Don’t walk in a hurricane just to be by their side when you know they wouldn’t do the same for you.
You have to understand that some people that enter your life aren’t meant to stay forever. Even when you feel with your entire being that this is it for you, they might not be.
But I promise - someday you will meet someone and it will make perfect sense why your past happened.
There is someone out there that will admire every nook and cranny of your mind.
This person exists in this world, so remember this when you’re lying in bed at night with someone who makes you feel as though you’re alone in this world.
I pray you find the love that makes you fall in love with yourself and I pray that you let go of the person that makes you feel anything less than amazing.”
—victoria joslin via @thoughtcatalog
one journal prompt
what are my love languages (words of affirmation, gift giving, quality time, physical touch, acts of service)? how do I give love, and how do I receive love?
one piece of advice
“How do you know if a person is right for you, what key feelings/points/signs to look out for?”
*for context, I am currently not in a relationship (nor am I looking to be in one). I have had a few serious relationships in high school and college, and a lot of my work in therapy revolves around understanding how I show up in these spaces*
I know the most common piece of advice is that you’ll just ‘know.’ while I agree with that, I’m going to try and provide some tangible points that I’ve mulled over and spoke with my therapist about:
you aren’t confused in the relationship: they aren’t playing you hot and cold, there are no games, and their actions and words align.
you feel physically and emotionally safe: for me, this is the ability to actually fall asleep in the same bed as another person.
you’re able to have hard conversations with each other: if there’s an issue in the relationship, you’re not shying away from talking to them about it. if you bring something up, they listen and work through it with you.
you don’t feel like a burden: the right person will want to spend time with you and make it abundantly clear that you are welcome in their life.
you both have a life outside of each other: perhaps a less talked about point, but it’s healthy and normal and encouraged to have hobbies and friendships outside of your s/o. they aren’t your everything, and you aren’t theirs.
you have similar interests: or, similar enough that they are curious and open to trying things that matter to you. (e.g. you both like art, but you enjoy working in two different mediums)
your friends like them: your friends, while they may support you through someone they don’t particularly enjoy, can and should be vocal about how they feel about your s/o. if they don’t like your s/o for some reason, take note.
you enjoy spending time with their friends: we as humans are influenced by the people we keep around us. if you feel uncomfortable around their friends, take note.
you have similar values: what matters to you? what matters to them? are their priorities something you value as well, and vice versa?
while this isn’t a concrete list, I think these points are things to keep in mind. for me, this list constitutes ways in which I will just ‘know’ that the person is right for me. although, that being said, relationships are built on so much more than mutual attraction. the level of work required to have and maintain a healthy relationship should not be diminished. someone who may not seem like an ‘option’ at first, but who is willing to put in the work, is also important.
for me, open communication about everything is key.
reading updates
i’m starting this new section of the newsletter that was suggested by @hattiee_amelia — i’ll be talking about the books i’m reading/have finished reading each week so this can be a mini book club!
currently reading: a court of thorns and roses by sarah j. maas (fantasy/romance)
I just started the first book of acotar (and sophia is reading the third book right now) and I’m loving it right now! it’s giving the hunger games x the selection series x warrior cats x six of crows/grishaverse and it’s suchhh a gripping series. (there are tw SA and SH)
just finished: i’m glad my mom died by jenette mccurdy (memoir)
(tw ED) I don’t rate memoirs but this one is perhaps the best one I’ve read so far (and I’ve read matthew mcconaughey, prince Harry, and david/nic sheff’s memoirs recently). I listened to the audiobook and I highly recommend reading it this way!
if you want to keep up with my reading throughout the week, this is my goodreads :)
until we meet again,
katie